as many have pointed out, the mind is indeed a powerful creator; it writes happy stories and scary stories. today the story was a scary one, that ended as happy one. in reaction to a woman on a tv program describing her experience with an illness, my mind presented me with the thought "what if that were happening to me?!", and using fear as a motivator, adroitly guided me into manifesting evidence of the very thing i feared...i experienced physical symptoms exactly like she described. illness personified as a terrifying beast, robbed me of all reason, all control, driving me to a flight/fight level of anxiety. i suddenly lost my appetite for dinner i had just prepared and had been ravenous for only an hour before. i welcomed an early bedtime for sleep's escape.
when i woke up this morning, although the anxiety was at a more manageable level, the beast was still there. i went for an early morning walk, where i am most at peace and open to insight. and insight came. i realized that while this experience was not new, watching it was. i knew i had a choice. which one had more power? the "i" that lives with love or the "i" that lives with fear? i began to move my thoughts and feelings into a state of well-being. whatever state of being we allow, feeds on itself. the more i came out of my head to appreciate the nature that was there to me in that moment, the more i smiled. the more i smiled, the better i felt.
over the course of this day, i profoundly experienced the power of the mind - it's clever ability to think its movie into reality. it wasn't something "out there" that triggered me, it was "i" who triggered me. i was a victim of nothing other than my self, my own perception. the struggle for power is an inside job. now i know, and i just need to remember, if something prompts me to action from a negative viewpoint, it ALWAYS comes from fear and requires endless external solutions. in short, whether you give your power over to fear or love...the more you have, the more you have.
it was a relatively familiar script for me, this fear of illness in general, but an odd thing happened this time. while i still offered up a realistic performance of a victim on the screen, i also occupied a seat in the audience.
white knuckled, i watched as fear took hold of the character. and then i watched as it became impotent and let go.
May 30, 2013
Aging in America
Americans, in particular, value youth above most everything but money, and sometimes even that if you look at the $10 billion we spend a year on plastic surgeries plus over $15 billion on beauty products, in spite of a recession. And, generally speaking, the more money one has, the more is spent in an attempt to stay youthful.
Obviously, our programming is extremely negative and concrete around aging. When I turned 60, for instance, I remember quite suddenly having a really hard time with the concept of age. Turning 40, turning 50 had not had the slightest impact on me. 60, however, was different.
My thoughts began to turn negative and fearful. What if my body begins to wear down? What if I get sick? What if I lose my eyesight? What if I become a burden on my child? The feelings these what-if thoughts were conjuring were terrifying. Then, I stopped, as I have learned to do when feeling uncomfortable for no apparent reason. I questioned my thinking. Is any of this going on in my head true? What is the reality about age? Where are my feet right now? Where are these thoughts coming from? Since I am generally enthusiastically, and at times annoyingly, optimistic, these thoughts didn't feel like they were my own. Then I realized that indeed they we not! They were the agreed upon beliefs of my society, and were so deeply unconscious, that they were controlling me rather than the other way around.
So, as we react from our programming, beliefs that youth is at the top of the value chart, when we begin to age, we then "believe" that we are losing our value as human beings. Now that's a scary thought. Is it true? Absolutely not! There is an "I'm just getting old" saying that is a convenient box in which we toss myriad health issues, reinforcing the belief that getting old brings with it common inevitable ailments such as arthritis, failing eyesight and hearing, memory loss; weight gain, diminished agility and vitality, etc. These are only common because there is so much collective agreement about it. When we believe these kinds of things, we trade our expansive sense of adventure for contracting caution. We don't take risks. We walk slower. We hold on to the railing. In other words, we live in fear.
There isn't a single age-related illness that occurs to EVERY human being. That in itself proves to me that nothing is inevitable. Well, maybe wrinkles. But those are debilitating. As I began to question my beliefs and disengage from the programming, I was open to what is real and consequently I was given plenty of evidence that aging is relative. Everywhere I turned I was shown examples of people much older than I, 90, 100+, still working and participating in life in vital and joyful ways. That will be me, I determined. This is what I choose to believe now. So be it.
We have to take our minds back, disengage from the programming and embrace the unexpected...the uncertainty. Life is not lived if lived in others' expectations.
Obviously, our programming is extremely negative and concrete around aging. When I turned 60, for instance, I remember quite suddenly having a really hard time with the concept of age. Turning 40, turning 50 had not had the slightest impact on me. 60, however, was different.
My thoughts began to turn negative and fearful. What if my body begins to wear down? What if I get sick? What if I lose my eyesight? What if I become a burden on my child? The feelings these what-if thoughts were conjuring were terrifying. Then, I stopped, as I have learned to do when feeling uncomfortable for no apparent reason. I questioned my thinking. Is any of this going on in my head true? What is the reality about age? Where are my feet right now? Where are these thoughts coming from? Since I am generally enthusiastically, and at times annoyingly, optimistic, these thoughts didn't feel like they were my own. Then I realized that indeed they we not! They were the agreed upon beliefs of my society, and were so deeply unconscious, that they were controlling me rather than the other way around.
So, as we react from our programming, beliefs that youth is at the top of the value chart, when we begin to age, we then "believe" that we are losing our value as human beings. Now that's a scary thought. Is it true? Absolutely not! There is an "I'm just getting old" saying that is a convenient box in which we toss myriad health issues, reinforcing the belief that getting old brings with it common inevitable ailments such as arthritis, failing eyesight and hearing, memory loss; weight gain, diminished agility and vitality, etc. These are only common because there is so much collective agreement about it. When we believe these kinds of things, we trade our expansive sense of adventure for contracting caution. We don't take risks. We walk slower. We hold on to the railing. In other words, we live in fear.
There isn't a single age-related illness that occurs to EVERY human being. That in itself proves to me that nothing is inevitable. Well, maybe wrinkles. But those are debilitating. As I began to question my beliefs and disengage from the programming, I was open to what is real and consequently I was given plenty of evidence that aging is relative. Everywhere I turned I was shown examples of people much older than I, 90, 100+, still working and participating in life in vital and joyful ways. That will be me, I determined. This is what I choose to believe now. So be it.
We have to take our minds back, disengage from the programming and embrace the unexpected...the uncertainty. Life is not lived if lived in others' expectations.
What is creativity?
I am just beginning to define creativity, for myself, that is, for it is a most subjective experience after all. Though I have many interests - music, film, writing, painting, crafting, dancing - all have been blocked for some time, and as I more deeply consider, perhaps even all my life.
Examining the block itself instead of remaining in a culdesac and "stuck" in the judgement of the block itself as "bad", I see that it is around the need for perfection, and the need for approval...from others, somewhat, yes, but mostly from myself.
I have been standing behind an impenetrable wall of my own creation. It looks like this: "Well, I really don't know where to start; my contribution is redundant because there are so many people who draw/paint/write/sing better than I. Besides, there have been so many books written on the subjects I am most interested in - spirituality/consciousness. There are so many excellent films out about this now. Who would care about one more viewpoint, one more way to verbalize the same messages that are as old as time?"
I tell myself that have missed my window of opportunity to express in these mediums. And if this isn't enough, the lack of money will always turn the light red. I talk myself out of expression and back into suppression...every time. How very sad! So, today...TODAY...I am changing things. It doesn't matter if anyone sees any of this. It doesn't matter whether I even go back and reread it. What matters is the initial outflow. That is where life IS...in the excitement of the self finally being allowed to express without any governor on it - none of the old voices, be it parent, teacher, employer, preacher, and most of all MY OWN! It's another beginning. Here i am, universe! No more rules for me. Now what?
Examining the block itself instead of remaining in a culdesac and "stuck" in the judgement of the block itself as "bad", I see that it is around the need for perfection, and the need for approval...from others, somewhat, yes, but mostly from myself.
I have been standing behind an impenetrable wall of my own creation. It looks like this: "Well, I really don't know where to start; my contribution is redundant because there are so many people who draw/paint/write/sing better than I. Besides, there have been so many books written on the subjects I am most interested in - spirituality/consciousness. There are so many excellent films out about this now. Who would care about one more viewpoint, one more way to verbalize the same messages that are as old as time?"
I tell myself that have missed my window of opportunity to express in these mediums. And if this isn't enough, the lack of money will always turn the light red. I talk myself out of expression and back into suppression...every time. How very sad! So, today...TODAY...I am changing things. It doesn't matter if anyone sees any of this. It doesn't matter whether I even go back and reread it. What matters is the initial outflow. That is where life IS...in the excitement of the self finally being allowed to express without any governor on it - none of the old voices, be it parent, teacher, employer, preacher, and most of all MY OWN! It's another beginning. Here i am, universe! No more rules for me. Now what?
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